Les Aventures de Gauvain et Perceval
by VampiressMorgana
Summary: Sir Gawain and Sir Perceval, the two most unlikely knightly partners, go on a quest together.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1: How King Arthur Sir Gawain and Sir Lancelot ride to Scotland for adventure. captureth the Stone of Scone and how Sir Gawain tries to eateth it with butter and jam, thereby becoming ill. _

Twelvemonth after his marriage to Queen Guenever, King Arthur, sore for adventure, setteth out with his most worthy friend Sir Lancelot and Sir Gawain. Spake Arthur, "Let us ride into Scotland. The Picts are there and are always causing trouble. Surely, we will find adventure there." They rode north, until they came to a rushing river, with a narrow bridge guarded by four damosels. "None shall pass," they sang. "We can take them," said Sir Gawain. The damosels were the four most beautiful women in the land, save Queen Guinevere, but Sir Gawain didn't care. He charged them with his spear, and ran one of them through, and pushed another into the river, in which she drowned. The other two turned into dragons and began to spit fire at Gawain, so Gawain turned around and said to King Arthur and Lancelot, "Forget this. Let's go another way." So they rode north into a deep forest.

Soon, the knights grew fatigued, and seeing no lodging nearby, sat down under a large tree and fell asleep. When Lancelot awoke, his arms were covered with a red, splotchy rash, which he began to scratch furiously. Soon after, Gawain and Arthur awoke, also covered in a rash. They all scratched until they bled profusely. Then Arthur, weak from loss of blood, said, "We must find help. Surely, there is a hermit in this wood that can heal us of our affliction." Suddenly, a damosel in a dress of woven leaves appeared to them. She said, "I can take you to the healing you seek." She waved her arm over them and they disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 : How King Arthur and his knights are healed on the condition that they rescue the damosel from the knight that killed her father and brother

King Arthur, Lancelot, and Gawain woke up in a marvelous castle, in comfortable beds. A brown cat sat in the window, but seeing they were awake, jumped down from the windowsill and transformed into the damosel they saw in the wood. She took care of the wounded knights and explained, "You have what is called poison ivy. I have a salve that will heal you, but you must promise one thing." "Anything" says King Arthur. "Look below," says the damosel, "I am imprisoned in this tower by an evil knight who killed my father and brother and has imprisoned me in this tower. I can transform into a cat and climb down that tree, but if he ever knows I'm missing, he will kill me. I want you to avenge my brother and father and set me free." The knights eagerly agreed, and the damosel gave them the salve. The knights applied it eagerly, and the fumes made them sore tired and they fell asleep again. In his sleep, King Arthur had a dream in which he saw a river of chocolate pudding colliding with a river of hot sauce and flowing out into the sea. He made note of it in his handy-dandy dream scroll and made sure to tell Merlin of it when he had the chance.

The next morning the knights woke up and began the quest to avenge the damosel's father and brother. They crouched in a wood all afternoon, until they saw a formidable knight in black armor. That must be the evil knight, though Lancelot. He stepped out of the forest to confront the knight. "Sir," cried Lancelot, "Art thou the most evil knight who imprisoned a most fair damosel in a tall tower?" "It is I," boomed the knight, "and there she shall stay until the end of time, for I won her from her father and brother." "Sir, thy actions art most grievous and I challenge you to a battle. If I win, you must free the damosel," said Lancelot.

"But what if you lose? Then I must take something from you. If you lose this battle—and you certainly will—I will have your beard."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: How Lancelot and the Black Knight joust. Of Lancelot's victory, and the damosel's gratitude.

Both Lancelot and the Black Knight prepared their armour and lances for battle, rode to an open field and prepared to fight to the death. The Black Knight and Lancelot rode toward each other from opposite ends of the field. Lancelot ran the Black Knight's horse through, and unseated the Black Knight. The Black Knight tried to kill Lancelot's horse and thus force him to engage in hand-to-hand combat, but Lancelot's horse was actually a robot, so he failed. Lancelot pressed a red button, encrusted with a blinged out skull and crossbones, on the saddle of the horse. .Suddenly, the horse changed into a lethal weapon. Lancelot charged at the Black Knight and the Black Knight was sliced to pieces, as the French book says. I will not go into detail here. Sir Gawain cheered. "Yeah! Merlin is boss at making lethal weapons," he said. Arthur was also pleased.

Off in the distance, the brown tabby watched Lancelot defeat the Black Knight. After the battle had ended, it began to walk toward the knights. When it drew closer, it became the damosel trapped in the tower. She ran up to Lancelot and hugged him and said "Thank you, oh most gracious knight, for delivering me from my prison. Please, accept something in return." She took her sleeve and gave it to him to wear as a token of her love. Lancelot, however declined her, saying, "Thy thanks is enough for me, for I have another love." The damosel transformed into a cat and walked off into the forest and Arthur, Lancelot, and Gawain continued their journey.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4: How the knights continue their adventures and their encounter with a wild boar in Wales. _

After rescuing the damosel from the wicked black knight, Arthur, Lancelot, and Gawain set off for Scotland again, in further search of adventure. Their ride across much of England was rather boring. There were lots of damosels, castles, and feasts, but nothing any reader with half a brain would care about, so I will continue our story at the point where our heroes arrive in Wales. The knights knew that they had arrived in the country of the Welsh when they saw a sign that said, "Welcome to Wales: The Real Owners of Great Britain." "Why are we going to through nutter country," asked Sir. Gawain. Lancelot nudged him in the ribs and told him to shut up or go home to his mum. The knights rode cautiously through Wales and came to a forest. When they were debating about whether they should go in for fear of more Poison Ivy, a wild boar larger than Lancelot's horse ran out of the forest and snorted at the knights. "I am Brch Br," it said, "Great great grandson of Twrch Trwyth. You have destroyed my great grandfather. Prepare to die." Sir Gawain spoke to the boar: "Actually, that wasn't us. That was Kilhwch and his homies. You should pick a bone with them." The boar replied, "You think I care? I just want to eat some knights, okay?" Lancelot thrust his spear at the boar, but he missed. Sir Gawain threw his sword at Brch Br's face, hit him in the eye and blinded him. In his blind fury, Brch Br ran at the Knights and ran Arthur through with his tusk.

Lancelot and Gawain stood in shock. Lancelot fell to his knees besides Arthur's limp body and cried, "Camelot is destroyed!" "Oh, shut up," said Gawain, "Look on the bright side. Guinevere is no longer taken." Lancelot got up and found new courage. He charged Brch Br again, and this time struck him in the heart. Blood spewed out and formed a fountain taller than the trees. Gawain's armor became covered in blood. "What was that for, Lancelot," he said, "Now I'm going to have to get a bath for the first time in five years." "I had to avenge King Arthur," said Lancelot, "Let's go into the dark forest. Surely there will be more adventure there."


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5: Of Gawain's and Lancelot's journey through the dark forest. _

Sir Gawain and Sir Lancelot mounted their steeds and rode slowly into the forest. Soon the shade of the trees enveloped them, and they could not see the sun, save for the rays that penetrated the spare openings in the leaves. Soon, Sir Gawain, still covered in the blood of Brch Br, grew cold. He began to shiver violently, and thereby some of the blood on his armor landed on Lancelot. "I am highly dishonoured by your treachery, Sir Gawain," he said, "How dare thee diss me like that?" Gawain replied, "Dude, chilleth out. Twas merely an accident." Lancelot, though still offended, relented, and then he had a grand idea. "Sir Gawain, I know what we can do with all this blood! My mother makes a fantastic black pudding. We can collect the blood, and upon our return, we can have a feast with the biggest black pudding in all the land. You must remove your armor and we will scrape the blood from it and put it in my handy-dandy thermos." Lancelot produced a hot pink thermos. "That seems really unsanitary," said Sir. Gawan, "Look yonder. There is a clear spring in which I can cleanse myself of this wretched pigs blood." And Sir Gawain rode toward the stream and removed his armor. Lancelot, disappointed that he did not get his black pudding, followed.


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6: How the stream is an enchantment of Morgan, and of the knights' grave peril. _

Sir Gawain dismounted his horse and ran toward the stream. He waded into the stream and found its waters to be the purest in all the land and most refreshing to his vitality. He bade Lancelot to join him, and both knights swam in the stream and began to drink of its waters. Soon, the knights became famished and crawled out of the stream and under a tree to sleep.

When Lancelot and Gawain awoke, they found themselves not under plush carpet of grass, but rather in prison cells of solid ice. Lancelot was the first to speak, "I know this place. This is the dread prison of Morgan le Faye. It is here that she tests the virtue of knights, and if they fail, she lets them freeze to death and feeds them to her pet dragon, the dreaded Norbert as popsicles." Sir Gawain pondered this for a split second, and said, "We must escape!" "I thinketh not that mere force will free us from captivity. My mother trained Morgan and if she has learned well, then it will take cunning to escape this place." When Lancelot finished, a damosel appeared at the door of their cell. "My mistress Morgan le Fay would like to see you. Rise." The damosel put her finger to the door of the cell and it melted before Lancelot's and Gawain's eyes. The knights followed the damosel into a great hall. The days were long in Scottish summer and the sun shone through the hall, though its icy ceilings did not melt. The damosel bade Sirs Gawain and Lancelot to sit, and offered them wine. Then she left, saying, "My mistress will see you shortly." Sir Gawain reached for the goblet of wine and sniffed it. "Hmm," he said, "It has flavors of oak and vanilla. I wonder what it tastes like." He began to drink, but Lancelot knocked the goblet from his hands. "Don't eat or drink anything in this castle. You must be vigilant. Everything could be a trap." "Dangit," said Sir Gawain, "You just wasted some good wine. What the heck, Lancelot?"

Suddenly, they heard the door to the hall slam shut. Lancelot and Gawain turned around to see a tall woman wearing a 1980's hot pink prom dress (a gift from Merlin). "Welcome to my castle," she said, "As you know, I am Morgan le Fay. I had to capture both of you, but I intend to speak to Sir Lancelot. You must undergo a test of your knightly virtues. If you win, I will return you to Camelot, but if you lose, you will become a Lancelosicle. Norbert loves unworthy knights. Tonight, you must eat and rest, but tomorrow you will begin your test."


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7: Of Merlin's prophecy to Lancelot and Gawain's escape. _

Lancelot awoke in the plushest bed in all Britania. When he saw the yellow silk sheets, he immediately knew that he was lying in the Golden Bed, an enchanted bed made by Merlin in his youth, that would give its sleeper a completely restorative rest. Though Lancelot felt awake, his mind was troubled. He immediately went to find Sir Gawain.

When Lancelot found Sir Gawain, he relayed an important message: "Sir Gawain, I had a most troubling dream last night. Merlin appeared to me and told me the following: 'The lake will freeze over the lion of infidelity, but he will be rescued by the five-tusked boar and the babe of the woods.' I asked what it meant and he said that I will fail the test today, but that I will not become a popsicle for Norbert. It will be up to you to save me, Merlin says, and that you must ride back to the forest in Wales and find a boy who speaks only of his mother. He will know how to save me. You must now escape, or Morgan will attempt to hold you captive, for surely she knows of the prophecy." Sir Gawain, incredulous, replied, "You have got to be kidding me. You fail a test, so I have to go back to nutter country to find some mama's boy. This is some B.S. I'll do it, though, for my own glory, for rescuing the strongest knight of the round table will bring me much renown." He then sought a way to escape, and seeing an open window, he made a rope out of the sheets of the golden bed and repelled down the castle wall.


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8: How Gawain wanders through the forests of Wales in search of the most naieve knight he can find. _

Gawain fell hard onto the ice at the bottom of Morgan's prison. He slid on his behind until he hit a large pine tree. Near the tree was a river, and at the river he saw a palfrey drinking and the most hideous damosel nearby. Gawain paused to marvel at the damosel's ugliness; her skin was a mottled grey, with black circles surrounding her eyes. Her hair shot from her head as flames. She was sitting under the tree reading, which Gawain thought was easily the most hideous thing about her. Still, he needed help, so he approached the damosel. "Fair maiden," he said, "Dost thou know how I may get to Wales?" "Wales?" she replied, "You know there be crazy folk about there. Why dost thou want to go there?" Gawain replied, "I am looking for the world's most innocent man, that he may be knighted and accompany me to rescue my comrade from the dread prison of Morgan le Fay." The damosel blushed, which I must say looked quite odd because of her grey skin. "Ahhhh… You will be talking about Perceval. I admire him from afar, for he is a most attractive knight. Alas, he will never love me, for I am part dragon. You must ride away from this river until you meet it again. Then you shall surely find the man you seek. You may borrow my steed, for you embark upon a most worthy quest." Gawain walked to the river and began to drag the palfrey from whence it was drinking. He struggled to tug it from the river, while the damosel laughed. She whispered something and the palfrey began to obey Sir Gawain, and to no surprise, Sir Gawain got out of there as quickly as possible.


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter 9: How Lancelot failed Morgan le Fay's test. _

Sir Lancelot was eating his morning porridge when Morgan came into his bedroom. "Sir Lancelot," she said, "Where is thou companion Sir Gawain?" "He escaped, you witch. Now do your worst to me," said Lancelot. "Very well," replied Morgan le Fay, "Come to the great hall. Your test awaits you." Lancelot shoveled down the rest of his porridge and followed Morgan to the great hall. Awaiting him in the great hall was a table, two chairs, and an inauspicious machine resting on the table. Cords protruded from the table as snakes from Medusa's head. Lancelot struggled not to ponder this. Morgan pointed to one of the chairs: "Sit." Lancelot sat in the chair, moving as if he had no choice. As soon as he sat down, the cords from the machine flew toward Lancelot and wrapped around his chest and arms. Morgan le Fay smiled and sat in the chair at the opposite side of the table. "This test will consist of a series of questions," she said, "But be warned. If you lie, I will know. We will start with basic questions, to establish what is normal."

"What is your name?"

"Lancelot du Lake."

The machine began to scratch on a piece of paper.

"What is this thing?" Lancelot asked.

"I am asking the questions, not you," screamed Morgan, "Second question: What is your quest?"

"I have no quest. King Arthur, Sir Gawain and I merely wanted to find adventure in Scotland."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Blue-no-red-no-green. I DON'T KNOW!1"

"Some hesitancy, I see…" Morgan smiled, "Now we shall begin asking real questions."

"Where do your loyalties lie?"

"I serve the once and future King Arthur, in life and death."

"Do you love Queen Guinevere?"

"Hah! That is nothing to you, now that Arthur is dead."

"Yes or no, Lancelot."

"No. Not at all."

The machine exploded and sent flaming curls of paper into the air.

"_Liar_," Morgan hissed, "You have already missed two questions. An adulterer who cannot own his adultery nor choose a favorite color is the most unworthy knight of all time. Norbert will enjoy your frozen flesh. Take him away!" Suddenly two trolls appeared and clubbed Lancelot and dragged him out of the great hall.


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter 10: Of Sir Gawain's adventures in the forest. _

Riding the steed of the hideous damosel, Sir Gawain travelled at a gentle pace through the forest. There were many wild flowers that grew on the forest floor, and Sir Gawain rode most slowly to make sure the damosel's palfrey crushed all of them. He was enjoying taking part in the destruction of all that is pure and beautiful when he Sir Gawain saw a pack of chimera running toward him. Being deathly afeered of snakes, Sir Gawain nearly dropped dead of a heart attack. He drew his sword and ran straight into the pack of chimera, trying to slice their snake tails off. Snakes flew into the air and one bit Sir Gawain on the forehead and decided that it wanted to keep its teeth sunk into his flesh. Sir Gawain began to shriek and attempted to remove the snake from his forehead, but the snake was a stubborn bugger and wouldn't move. Resigned to having a snake stuck to his forehead for the rest of his life, Sir Gawain continued on. Then he began to feel ill. _Oh crap_, Sir Gawain thought, _the snake must be poisonous_. That was the last thing he thought before he fell off the palfrey and into a deep hole.


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11: How Sir Gawain falls in a rabbit hole, ends up in Wonderland, makes a quick trip of it, and comes out the other end of the rabbit hole facing the river, where the hideous damosel told him to go. _

Sir Gawain woke up in a Victorian-style parlor and despite his delirium, Sir Gawain was genuinely freaked out. He saw a small bottle filled with what looked like mead. It had a tag around it that said "Drink me." _Dangeth_, Sir Gawain thought, _thees peeple canteth spelleth._ But Sir Gawain didn't care, since mead is mead, whether the people who bottled it can spell or not, and given what Sir Gawain had been through, he certainly could use a pick-me-up. Sir Gawain began to drink the mead, but he soon became so small that he would have drowned in the bottle's contents. Now, Sir Gawain was more freaked out than he was before. He saw a door that was perfectly his size, and figuring he couldn't end up any worse off than he already was, he went through it. Suddenly, Sir Gawain was standing before a group of grotesque birds running in a circle. He approached them: "Wherefore are you running in a circle?" "We have to get dry," said one of the birds. Sir Gawain then realized his purpose: he must help the birds get dry. "I will help thee," cried Sir Gawain. He climbed on top of a nearby rock and began to declaim:

"A rain of blood will fall and men will suffer a terrible famine. At this, the red dragon will lament, but will recover its strength once the travail is over. Then the German worm will be crowned, and the prince of bronze buried. For a fire breathing worm will come and the heat it emits will burn trees."

The birds began to spin in circles and scream, "Sir, that is not dry, that is pure insanity." Sir Gawain stopped and said, "Fine. Here's dry, but don't complain that it's too dry."

"Then King Arthur and King Ban and King Bors, with their good and trusty knights, set on them so fiercely that they made them overthrow their pavilions on their heads; but the eleven kings of manly prowess of arms took a fair field. But there was slain that morrow tide ten thousand good men's bodies. And so they had afore them a strong passage, yet were they fifty thousand of hardy men. Then it drew toward day. . .

The birds began became so dry that their feathers fell out and their skin began to itch and flake. They begged Sir Gawain to stop, but Sir Gawain was totally oblivious so he didn't. The birds had had enough, so they chucked Sir Gawain into the sea. When Sir Gawain awoke again, he was on the shore of the river he was seeking.


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12: How Sir Gawain findeth Perceval in a most unusual manner. _

Sir Gawain awoke, extremely wet and salty, but he didn't ask questions. He shook himself off and began to wander through the forest, since he had no palfrey. Suddenly, a spear landed right in front of him. Gawain looked about wildly. Then, another spear landed behind him. Frightened, Sir Gawain hid behind a tree. He worried that Morgan had bewitched spears to follow him, and that she found out where he was. He hid behind the tree for what seemed like hours until he heard singing. A youth with blond hair and dressed in the most awful blue clothes rode into the clearing. He hummed sweetly while he picked up his spears. "Nothing to bring home to mother," he said. Sir Gawain stepped out from behind the tree. The youth asked, "Who are you." Sir Gawain replied, "I am Sir Gawain, knight of the round table." "You are the worst dressed knight, I have ever seen," said Sir Perceval, "My mother said that knights are always in glittering armor. In fact, I saw some knights earlier today and they were so beautiful and glittery. You are a mess." Sir Gawain was incredulous that a boy would insult him, but only said, "What is thy name, youth?" The youth answered, "My name is Perceval. My mother named me." _This must be the one_, thought Sir Gawain. "Perceval," Sir Gawain said, "What dost thou know of knighthood?" Perceval answered, "My mother said that knights are evil and that if I become one that I will surely die a terrible death, but I think they are beautiful and glittery." "Would you stop it with the glitter," said Sir Gawain, "You will come with me to Camelot and become a knight of the round table." Sir Gawain jumped off his horse and began to dance and sing. Sir Gawain was horrified, but knew he had found the knight Merlin had mentioned in the prophecy, so he said nothing.


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13: How Perceval returns home and his mother's great dismay and how Sir Gawain begins to teach Perceval how to be a knight. _

Perceval stopped dancing and began to shout, "I must see my mother and gather provisions from home if I am to become a knight." He jumped on his horse and rode off. Sir Gawain followed him. _He can ride well_, Sir Gawain thought. After riding for an hour, they arrived at a log cabin in the middle of the forest. A beautiful but simply dressed woman appeared in the doorway. She hugged and kissed Perceval and said, "Who is this friend you brought home?" Perceval smiled. "This is Sir Gawain," he said, "He is the best knight ever and is going to take me to be a knight of the round table. I am so excited!" Perceval's mother swooned and fell to the ground. Perceval gasped. "Quick, we must get her inside." Perceval carried his mother into the house and Sir Gawain followed. Perceval's servants fanned his mother and when she awoke, they gave her water. When she had come to her senses, Perceval's mother asked, "What, Perceval, did you say your friend was going to do to you?" Perceval smiled again, "Why, Mother, he is going to make me a knight!" "No he will not. Not if I can help it. Your father was a knight and then was frozen into a popsicle by Morgan le Fay. No, you will never be a knight. I don't want to lose my dear sweet Perceval." "Would you SHUT. UP. woman?"said Sir Gawain. "Come on, Perceval, let's go." "But I want to eat first," said Perceval. "Fine." Perceval began to stuff himself with food. When he was finished, he said, "Good bye Mother, I am off to be a knight. I will see you soon." Then he and Sir Gawain left.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14: Of Sir Gawain's and Perceval's journey to Camelot and sundry misadventures that occur along the way. _

Sir Gawain and Perceval left the log cabin and didn't look back. Perceval's mother fainted and was eaten by a chimera. They rode into the forest and soon came upon a foreboding castle. A knight came riding toward them and said, "Who art thou, that you trespass in the lands of the golden knight?" Sir Gawain said, "I am Sir Gawain, a knight of the round table, and this is Perceval my companion. We are journeying to Camelot that Perceval may be knighted and that we may both go on a dangerous rescue mission. We ask that we have your leave to pass through your lands. "Ye shall not haveth it, for my master the Golden Knight wishes to do battle with all that set foot—nay toe—in his lands." Perceval said, "You heard the man. Go and doeth battle with the Golden Knight, while I sing in the forest." Sir Gawain raised a fist at Perceval but then held back. The knight said, "If you will not come freely, I will take you and your companion bound hand and foot to the castle of the Golden Knight, and there he will do battle with you. "Oh fine," said Sir Gawain, "I'm sure Lancelot will thaw out eventually." The knight led Sir Gawain and Perceval up a hill to the castle. The castle was really slimy, with black mold and green moss growing up its sides. It was surrounded by heads stuck on metal spikes, including some damosel heads. Gawain started to like the place quite well, but Perceval wanted to vomit, but he followed Gawain inside the castle into a large hall.


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15: Of Sir Gawain's battle with the Golden Knight and how Sir Gawain and Perceval continue their journey to Camelot. _

The hall was dingy, save for a fire burning at the end, where an old woman sat knitting hats for the impaled heads outside. "They must be freezing," she said. Sir Gawain and Perceval were given moldy blankets on which to sleep and a red wine that had since become vinegar. Perceval drank it and felt super grown-up, but Sir Gawain spit it out. Having hardly slept a wink, both travelers awoke in the morning to the same messenger that intercepted them on their travels. "Sir Gawain, you are hereby ordered to battle the Golden Knight. If you are worthy, you may go on to Camelot. But if you are not, your head will join those others on the sticks outside." "Not more of this crap," said Sir Gawain, "Morgan le Fay pulled this on Lancelot and nothing happened. In fact, we are going to save him now," said Sir Gawain. "Yeah!" added Perceval. At this Sir Gawain pulled his sword on the messenger and tried to cut him, but it was to no avail. A magical golden miasma appeared between the messenger and Sir Gawain, and Sir Gawain was thrown into the burnt out fire. He got soot all over him and he was most irked. He charged again, and if you past the last two sentences here, you will know what happened. Sir Gawain isn't the brightest crayon in the box. If he and Perceval even manage to make it to Camelot, it will be a miracle, but back to the story. Sir Gawain, after two failed attempts, gave up on trying to brute force his way out of the castle of the Golden Knight and had grown quite afeered of the Golden Knight's powers. The messenger smiled and said, "I will take thee to the place of thy demise." He lead Gawain to an open field that was covered by golden flowers. Suddenly, a man clad entirely in gold and dressed for a ball walked to the center of the field and beckoned Sir Gawain. "I am Sir Dandelion, the Golden Knight. You must be Sir Gawain. I have heard many wonderful things about you. Now I must tell you some things about the castle and about our battle today. The castle was recently bequeathed to me by my deceased brother, who, as you saw, had a proclivity for violence. I am only leaving the heads there until our most holy friar blesses the cemetery and gives them all a Christian burial. As you also saw, my paige hasn't caught on that my brother is dead, so he also likes to spout violence as well." The man paused for a breath and continued: "About our battle today, you will need no weaponry. In fact, it is best that you have as little as possible. See these beautiful flowers? We will be competing for who picks the most of them. The winner will scatter his on the banks of Avalon, and the loser will keep his for posterity and will always talk about how he lost a battle of flower-picking. Deal?" "Whatever," said Gawain. "Let the contest begin!"

Sir Dandelion began to dance and it was if his extremities grew to encompass the field. He became a human harvester of the golden flowers. Sir Gawain had only picked one and he was dissecting it and throwing it on the ground. Perceval said, "Gawain, you should maybe pick some more flowers." Sir Gawain scowled and picked a couple more flowers. Then Sir Dandelion approached him: "Sir Gawain, I want to give you more time, but it seems that I have gathered all the flowers in the field save for the two you picked and the one you desecrated. I think I win. You may keep your flowers and go to Camelot. I hope you have learned something about life here." Sir Dandelion skipped off with his hands and feet full of flowers.

"Let's get out of here," said Sir Gawain.

"Why?" asked Perceval, "It is quite pleasant." Sir Gawain found his and Perceval's horses waiting for them by a nearby tree. Sir Gawain immediately rode off and Perceval had to race to catch him.


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter 16: Of Sir Gawain's and Perceval's arrival at Camelot and how Perceval obtained his armor. _

Sir Gawain and Perceval left the castle of Sir Dandelion and rode toward Camelot. They had many adventures, as the French book mentioneth, but they are far too verbose for mention by an Englishman who has better things to do than write. After an arduous journey through the south of Britania, Camelot finally came into view for our young heroes. It was burning and near rubble, but its majesty still broke free of the destruction. "When will I get to be a knight, Sir Gawain," asked Perceval. Sir Gawain, sensing that he would be able to play a joke on his most irritating partner, said, "You must undergo a most intense rite of passage. You must find a creature, slay it, and construct a suit of armor from its skin." Perceval's eyes lit up: "My mother taught me how to skin animals as a boy. I will find something immediately." He rode off into a nearby forest. Suddenly, a great conflagration arose from the trees. Sir Gawain followed Perceval's path into the forest and found Perceval fighting a purple dragon. Gawain realized it was one of the damosels he had tried to fight earlier. He let Perceval have at it. Perceval stabbed the dragon once and it died. He skillfully skinned it and sewed it into a suit of armor with the dragon's intestines. "Did your mother teach you to sew too?" Perceval grinned and nodded. "Great… You've got your armor. Let's go."

They rode out of the forest and began the climb up the hill to Camelot. They arrived and Perceval rode in on his horse, looking from the king. A lady nudged him gently and whispered, "He's dead." Perceval began to cry: "Then how will I become a knight?" Then, Sir Bedevere appeared and said, "I will knight you. I've seen Arthur do it, so I know how." He took a sword and swung it dangerously, knocking crests off the walls. Then he touched Perceval's head and said, "I dubbeth thee Sir Perceval." Perceval jumped in the air and would have had his head sliced in half had he not been wearing a helmet of dragon skin.


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter 17: How Sir Gawain, after taking Sir Perceval to Camelot to receive knighthood, set out to rescueth Lancelot. _

Sir Gawain, and Sir Perceval were honoured for their forthcoming virtue with a great feast. There were cases of energy drinks, hamburgers, and ice cream. To prepare for battle, they played Halo for hours until they fell asleep. Suddenly, a large green man rode into the castle, just as Perceval had earlier. "Fools!" he said, "Wherefore art you dawdling in child's play? Get thee to rescue Lancelot, or Norbert will eat him." "Shut your face!" said Gawain. "You are up in ma grill. Leave me be." The green man answered, "You may play me in a round of Halo and I will return what you do to me." "Bump that," said Sir. Gawain. I'm out. C'mon Percy. Suddenly, Percy Weasley emerged from behind the curtains. "Is someone calling me? I have urgent work on the report summarizing the positions for and against the change of color of the Ministry logo that I must be doing." No one answered and Percy disappeared behind the curtain. Sir Gawain grabbed Perceval and they mounted their horses and rode into the sunset, leaving the other knights and the green man in the castle, bickering and having an overall good time.

FINIS


End file.
